Struggling

Wow…  Two and a half days off and I had over 500 notification emails.  That was insane.  It took almost 4 hours to go through them, and that was deleting a quarter of them without reading the associated post.

I made a post weeks back about needing to limit the number of posts per person per day that I respond to.  I haven’t followed through on it thus far because I don’t want to miss good content, and I want to support the bloggers I’m following.  I *do* actually read, not just flip through posts hitting like.  I know some people do that too.  I see it when I get 10 likes from the same person in two minutes, LOL.  Getting back on track, I think I’m going to have to start following through on that though.

Some of you make a dozen or more posts a day.  As I mentioned that last time, I won’t discourage it.  It’s therapy for some of you.  I understand that.  It’s just alot to keep up with for the average human being.

 

I’ve also realized the last couple of days that my writer’s block and other issues really have their core at my fear of success.  I’ve always hated that label, it’s really a fear of failing after you start to succeed, making the crashing failure that much more traumatic in the person’s imagination.

It’s been REALLY frustrating too.  I’ve thought I’ve at least started to work past this garbage a few times in the past.  It keeps rearing its ugly head every time I start to get something good going.  Self doubt is the worst.

It’s amazing how many ways it’ll find to mess with me also.  Erotica is immoral and I should be writing something different.  Nobody takes superheroes seriously.  You can’t write anything else.  You don’t have the money for professional editing and cover design.  You can’t do show don’t tell worth a damned.  You’ve failed at everything else you’ve done and now you’re just broken down, stuck at home and fooling yourself…

Yeah…  I’ve got some work to do, heh.  The crazy(?) thing is the only real, lasting fix is success.  Years ago, I read practically everything out there on self improvement.  Need an answer to a personal problem, I likely know the theoretical answer.  For example, I know that in NLP or hypnosis, the common answer to my specific issue would be to anchor a point in the person’s past where they did feel successful and powerful.  Then they focus on that state and moment, making it easier to move forward.  Everything I’ve tried in life, I’ve either been mediocre at best at, or had the rug pulled out from me and been sabotaged.  I have no happy thought so the pixie dust will let me fly.  :

So… yeah.  I’ve got an uphill fight ahead…