Gender Based Writing Differences

I originally did this post back on Feb 19th of this year.  It seems that the controversy which inspired it has flared up yet again on Facebook and Twitter though.  So, here’s a very slightly updated version of that post:

 

I’ve already made a few posts today.  I did say I was going to talk about that other recent Twitter notification that bothered me though.

It was one going around the erotica authors’ circle on Twitter.  It was all about how women were supposedly “educating” men about what horrible erotica authors they are and laughing at their “stupid” mistakes.  Not the first time I’ve seen such a post either.  During my few months on twitter, I found the erotica authors to be pretty judgmental and negative in general.  The key words there are “IN GENERAL”.  There are some wonderful, supportive and talented women (and men) there also.  I adore Ava Sterling and Aurora Blue in particular.  They’ve been helpful since the beginning.  They’re also both very talented and I highly recommend their books.

OK, getting back to the subject, let’s be real.  There are quite a few bad male erotica authors out there.  What the ladies are NOT understanding though is that their (the women’s) way or view is NOT the only way.  I had a blog post about this in the past.  There was an article in The Atlantic magazine how authors had to write consent in romance novels.  The idea being essentially that if you didn’t have written and signed consent at every step of the way, you were writing and advocating rape.  Here’s that blog post:

A Minor Rant

My comments there are enough said.  Another example I saw in the past was a snarky agreement among some of those women that if bra or genital sizes were mentioned, they immediately stopped reading and declared the story was trash.  “What did they do, take out a measuring tape at that point?” was one reply.   What they were missing is that some people, particularly if they’re in fields that require regular measuring and sizing such as seamstresses and tailors, clothing sales people, construction and automotive workers, and even people that do crafty type things as hobbies, tend to be able to measure very accurately by eyesight.  Regardless of gender, they’re likely to be visual people as well.  It’s not unrealistic at all.  Overall, I’d agree that general size descriptors and leaving things to imagination is probably a little better though.

So where do I think the issues are being seen all wrong?  The ladies are missing a chance to grow their audience.  Men DO buy and read erotica also.  I get email from men and women both on my writing.

Saying “women don’t stand in front of mirrors and compare their boobs to fruit” misses the reality that men tend to be highly visual creatures and competition / comparison driven.  They care about things like are a female character’s boobs “pear shaped” or perfectly round and firm *cough*fakeboobs*cough* (lol).  They want to know who’s boobs are bigger and by how much also.  When you understand the male mindset, you can tailor your writing just a little so that you appeal more to them as well.  Bang, your sales go up.

Think carefully about that if you’re a romance or erotica author.  Do you want to shut out half the world’s population as a potential market?  If you bend just a little in your writing style you can reach a larger audience and still be true to yourself.

The whole idea of “teaching” men by belittling them is only going to backfire also.  For all their bravado, men have fragile egos, especially where women are concerned.  They’re also trained to suppress emotion early on, so they’re rarely all that intuitive, BUT they also are eager to please.

So here’s a tip, girls, both as authors and for relationships:  All you’ve got to do to get a decent guy to do what you want is ask nicely or gently suggest.  In the case of writing erotica, give them better, more natural ways to help relay visual information.  Explain to them that the act isn’t about rutting either when you’re a woman.  It’s about intimacy, emotional connection, and a primal need to feel desired, like that male character would sacrifice anything to have our heroine.  When an erotica author can impart all of those male and female perspective elements into a story, I think the sky is the limit.

Again, same holds true with relationships.  Too many women complain about men being clueless, and expect them to know exactly how to touch them, what to say to them, etc…  It takes communication.  Positive communication too.  “A little gentler (or rougher), oh yes!”, goes much farther with the typical clueless male than “not like that, you selfish idiot.”

A certain radio show host on relationships had it right; women have much more power in relationships than people think.  At least in reasonably healthy relationships.  It just has to be used in the right way.

Unplanned Break Over

Back among  the living yet again. 🙂   MOST of my absence was just that my schedule got crazy all of the sudden.

I did find myself having to work through a few old issues from popping back into Champions Online.  I’ve talked a little bit about my past gaming experiences.  Long story short when you play online games in-character with others, it’s alot like collaborating on writing a book with several other people, or having a whole improv troop on stage all trying to do their own thing at the same time.  At best, it can get dramatic.

The trouble is, MMO games tend to attract people with low self esteem and other psychological issues.  LONG LONG story, they can get hurtful and manipulative when they don’t get their way (putting it kindly).  Last time I was playing, I got caught in a shitstorm of that drama also.  The thing is, decent people tend to wonder what they could have done different & how they added to a problem.

So, I did reach out and try to talk to a couple of former acquaintances there.  It went about as well as expected, LOL.  It was good though, because it helped weep away any doubt in my mind that these people are indeed toxic.  I got some closure.

 

So, I’m back.  I still have a bit of a crazy schedule for the immediate future, so I’m not sure how much I’ll have to post each day, but I’ll do my best.  As for all the notifications I’ve gotten the last few days.  Well 354 in the last two days is just too much to deal with.  I had to just delete them.  I’ll keep up with new ones as best I can.

That Other Complaint

I’ve already made a few posts today.  I did say I was going to talk about that other recent Twitter notification that bothered me though.

It was one going around the erotica authors’ circle on Twitter.  It was all about how women were supposedly educating men about what horrible erotica authors they are and laughing at their “stupid” mistakes.  Not the first time I’ve seen such a post either.  During my few months on twitter, I found the erotica authors to be pretty judgmental and negative in general.  The key words there are “IN GENERAL”.  There are some wonderful, supportive and talented women (and men) there also.  I adore Ava Sterling and Aurora Blue in particular.  They’ve been helpful since the beginning.

OK, getting back to the subject, let’s be real.  There are quite a few bad male erotica authors out there.  What the ladies are NOT understanding though is that their way or view is NOT the only way.  I had a blog post about this in the past.  There was an article in The Atlantic magazine how authors had to write consent in romance novels.  The idea being essentially that if you didn’t have written and signed consent at every step of the way, you were writing and advocating rape.  Here’s that blog post:

A Minor Rant

My comments there are enough said.  Another example I saw in the past was a snarky agreement among some that if bra or genital sizes were mentioned, they immediately stopped reading and the story was trash.  “What did they do, take out a measuring tape at that point?” was one reply.   What they were missing is that some people, particularly if they”re in fields that require regular measuring and sizing such as seamstresses and tailors, clothing sales people, construction and automotive workers, and even people that do crafty type things as hobbies, tend to be able to measure very accurately by eyesight.  It’s not unrealistic at all.  Overall, I’d agree that general size descriptors and leaving things to imagination is probably a little better though.

So where do I think the issues are being seen all wrong?  The ladies are missing a chance to grow their audience.  Men DO buy and read erotica also.  I get email from men and women both on my writing.

Saying “women don’t stand in front of mirrors and compare their boobs to fruit” misses the reality that men tend to be highly visual creatures and competition / comparison driven.  They care about things like are a female character’s boobs “pear shaped” or perfectly round and firm *cough*fakeboobs*cough* (lol).  They want to know who’s boobs are bigger and by how much also.  When you understand the male mindset, you can tailor your writing just a little so that you appeal more to them as well.  Bang, your sales go up.

The whole idea of “teaching” men by belittling them is only going to backfire also.  For all their bravado, men have fragile egos, especially where women are concerned.  They’re also trained to suppress emotion early on, so they’re rarely all that intuitive, BUT they also are eager to please.

So here’s a tip, girls, both as authors and for relationships.  All you’ve got to do to get a decent guy to do what you want is ask nicely or gently suggest.  In the case of writing erotica, give them better, more natural ways to help relay visual information.  Explain to them that the act isn’t about rutting either when you’re a woman.  It’s about intimacy, emotional connection, and a primal need to feel desired, like that male character would sacrifice anything to have our heroine.  When an erotica author can impart all of those male and female perspective elements into a story, I think the sky is the limit.

Again, same holds true with relationships.  Too many women complain about men being clueless, and expect them to know exactly how to touch them, what to say to them, etc…  It takes communication.  Positive communication too.  “A little gentler (or rougher), oh yes!”, goes much farther with the typical clueless male than “not like that, you selfish idiot.”

A certain radio show host on relationships had it right; women have all the power in relationships (at least non-abusive ones).  It just has to be used in the right way.

Inappropriate Humor! O_O

I think it speaks for itself…

TRIGGER WARNING: I’m Back!!!

LOL.  It’s been a crazy last 48 hours.  The last 4 of which I just spent catching up on thee 114 email notifications I had from WordPress AND writing another spiritual blog post.  More there in a minute.

The funeral went reasonably well.  The priest was mush mouthed and didn’t seem to know the rituals.  Maybe it’s a Catholic thing.  I think everything has to be exactly by the book.  Anyway, short but good ceremony there.  A little bit of unspoken conflict back at my parents’ (well, mom’s now) house afterwards, but I’ll spare folks the personal drama.

Realizing how short life can be, along with the more positive experiences on twitter and here have made me more determined to get focused with my writing and a few other resolutions.  Not fanatical midlife crisis level or anything, but it all snapped things back into focus.

 

The spiritual blog post and trigger warning joke above are about the need for people in general, and Empaths specifically to have reasonable boundaries, and how some people use false compassion and guilt tripping to tell others they have no right to said boundaries.  It was inspired by post in a followed blog about how “walls don’t work”.  The spiritual blog post should have made clear that I do NOT lump the author of that post in said guilt tripper category.  They just genuinely don’t believe walls work.  The post DID remind me of all the hateful things I’ve seen on the subject by other people though, and how many times I’ve been guilt tripped and manipulated for trying to have boundaries..

So, with that in mind, and wanting to discuss the idea that boundaries of any type are bad, I wrote that post.  If you’re interested, take a look.  If you’re the type that’s easily offended by anything other than far left views, consider this a trigger warning and avoid it.

False Compassion

The simple premise is that we all need boundaries and walls.  People need occasional quiet time, writers need to be able to focus on their work, etc…  Walls DO have to have gates to let the good in though, and the only truly evil wall is the one designed to keep people from exiting (ie the Berlin Wall).

My Thoughts on BDSM

Since my half dozen (thus far) non fan fiction erotica pieces all have at least a slight element of domination and submission to them (Amy’s Seduction being the only real exception), AND I’m picking up followers on Twitter into that lifestyle, I felt I’d take a couple of minutes to spell out my thoughts on the subject.

Plain and simple, my view is that as long as it’s safe, sane and above all mutually consensual, it’s all good.  All of that requires a great deal of communication and self awareness by both parties.

I have one huge gripe with elements of the community.  That being the “if you’re not doing it MY way, it’s not really domination!” crowd.  To be blunt, that’s not only utter crap, it also tells me the Dom or Domme uttering it has no idea what they’re talking about, quite likely little or no respect for submissives, and / or massive insecurity issues.  A real dominant is going to want to talk, make sure the other person is more than just titillated, and has compatible ideas about what BDSM is.  If their ideas later drift apart on the subject, they will set the submissive free instead of trying to force them past hard limits also.

I’m fairly passionate on the issue because I used to have a virtual part-time job counseling women who were responding to ads looking for submissives on a certain free site that no longer runs personals.  Horrified by some of the “dom” ads I saw I posted my own telling submissives that their submission was a gift given, it had to be earned, that a dom should listen to your wants and needs when establishing relationship boundaries, and that it was just as much about their orgasm as his.

It was amazing and scary how many “thank you” replies I got from women with strong curiosity but who were confused and scared after ‘talking’ to abusers who told them that if they were submissive at all, they’d immediately do anything and everything the “dom” said, no questions asked, right from the moment they met.  A few of them even told me they were made to feel like they were crazy until they read my post.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but a saint.  I’m proud to say I saved a few women from abusive relationships though.

Rant: Writing Consent

I ran across an article recommendation on my browser yesterday, and it’s had me annoyed ever since.  I intended to stay away from anything remotely political or controversial here.  I also intend to continue to do so beyond this little rant.

The article in question was in The Atlantic recently and was titled “How to Write Consent in Romance Novels”.  The article is essentially an interview of a feminist writer, and starts with an example from one of her latest books where the protagonist is taken to a Dodgers baseball game on a date.  Her boyfriend is briefly described as essentially a clueless boor but good looking and an actor.  They’ve been dating for a few months.  He pops the question on the jumbo-tron and is supposedly so clueless after dating her for months that he can’t even spell her name correctly while doing so.

Quite understandably, given the short time of their relationship and the very public way the proposal was handled, she feels shocked, embarrassed and cornered.  I think most people would if they’d only been dating a short time.  She says no, he goes on a tirade yelling at her, and the stadium crowd turns on her also.

Long story short, this excerpt from her book was supposed to show how more traditional relationship roles are backwards and oppressive, society supports oppressing women, etc…  I just want to bang my head against the wall when I see stuff like this.

Let’s be clear here: The protagonist had every right to say no.  I would have in her shoes.  What I object to is the broad brush strokes that the author and The Atlantic use to paint anyone who thinks differently about relationships and erotica as either a monster or a brainwashed clueless woman needing enlightenment from them.  The author’s books sell, so more power to her for finding an audience.  That does NOT mean hers is the only valid approach or opinion however.

First of all, there’s a huge difference between being clueless and over-eager as the boyfriend was in the story, and deliberately trying to oppress and devalue a partner and women in general.  There’s also nothing wrong with a public proposal, so long as marriage has been previously talked about and it’s pretty clear that’s what both people want.

Much of what’s written as erotica is also pure fantasy.  Just about everything I write here falls into that category.  That meaning it’s something that you might imagine or role play with a partner for kinky fun, but it may very well be something you’d never want to happen in real life.  Big difference between fantasizing about the boss calling you into his office and bending you over his desk, and actually having it pushed on you in real life.  YES, contrary to extremist opinion, people ARE smart enough to know the difference also.

There’s also nothing wrong with men and women having more traditional relationship roles in terms of pursuing and being pursued.  It can and IS done while still respecting the woman all the time, both in the real world and in fiction.  I think my Power Girl’s Power Date story is a good example there.  Marc pursues her strongly while engaging her on an intellectual level, giving her an out at the couple of times she feels uncertain, and never outright forces himself on her or coerces sex from her.

That kind of relationship is every bit as valid as the type the author who was written about in The Atlantic seems to prefer, which as best I can tell is just short of a cuckold one where the man must ask permission to do anything, and can’t even pull out a chair or hold a door for a woman lest it be seen as devaluing her as inferior somehow.  No doubt that analysis is almost as off as the way more traditional roles are portrayed in the article.  It’s sadly what happens when people get frustrated by that kind of lack of tolerance and perceived self righteousness from people who believe they know better than everyone else.

The reality of relationships in general SHOULD be that if it works for both people involved, and is mutually consensual then it’s valid.  That goes for everything from traditional relationships to the ones pushed by the Atlantic to BDSM and other alternative relationships.

Oh and if somebody comes along and tries to negate all I said because of my Witchfire heroine peril stories…  They’re an attempt to humanize stereotyped characters and the situations they’re put in, and it’s used as a way to push my growth as a writer.  Everything there is pure fantasy and sometimes done to show the character’s strength as a survivor as opposed to glorifying what happened to them.

I encourage anyone reading who agrees to reblog or retweet this also.