Since my half dozen (thus far) non fan fiction erotica pieces all have at least a slight element of domination and submission to them (Amy’s Seduction being the only real exception), AND I’m picking up followers on Twitter into that lifestyle, I felt I’d take a couple of minutes to spell out my thoughts on the subject.
Plain and simple, my view is that as long as it’s safe, sane and above all mutually consensual, it’s all good. All of that requires a great deal of communication and self awareness by both parties.
I have one huge gripe with elements of the community. That being the “if you’re not doing it MY way, it’s not really domination!” crowd. To be blunt, that’s not only utter crap, it also tells me the Dom or Domme uttering it has no idea what they’re talking about, quite likely little or no respect for submissives, and / or massive insecurity issues. A real dominant is going to want to talk, make sure the other person is more than just titillated, and has compatible ideas about what BDSM is. If their ideas later drift apart on the subject, they will set the submissive free instead of trying to force them past hard limits also.
I’m fairly passionate on the issue because I used to have a virtual part-time job counseling women who were responding to ads looking for submissives on a certain free site that no longer runs personals. Horrified by some of the “dom” ads I saw I posted my own telling submissives that their submission was a gift given, it had to be earned, that a dom should listen to your wants and needs when establishing relationship boundaries, and that it was just as much about their orgasm as his.
It was amazing and scary how many “thank you” replies I got from women with strong curiosity but who were confused and scared after ‘talking’ to abusers who told them that if they were submissive at all, they’d immediately do anything and everything the “dom” said, no questions asked, right from the moment they met. A few of them even told me they were made to feel like they were crazy until they read my post.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but a saint. I’m proud to say I saved a few women from abusive relationships though.