How Porn Often Leads to BAD Sex

Yesterday, I promised a rant about how bad sex seems to be an increasingly growing problem. So, it’s time to deliver.

Image via BBC.com

Porn is One of Two Root Causes:

We will tackle the second one in the very near future. Porn goes first because everything I see convinces me that it’s leading the way in amplifying the problem. For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s all bad, just that people are unable to put things in perspective, and differentiate what they see on their computer screen and how real life works.

With porn sites all over the internet, it’s become increasingly common for men and women to check out adult videos. The trouble here is that in a society where nobody talks to anyone anymore, it’s also where too many guys (and some women) get their impressions about what sex is supposed to be like. So what’s wrong?

Seduction and romance are completely missing for starters. That creates unrealistic expectations about what it takes to get a woman into bed, and that relationships take effort.

It Promotes a Lack of Foreplay:

Lack of foreplay is another issue. It’s been a problem forever, but has only gotten worse with the advent of internet porn. I don’t care how good you THINK you are in bed or how good you look, women are rarely ready to go at the drop of a hat. A woman’s body takes time to “warm up”, and it’s NOT a matter of “touch here, then here, then there and bang!” Erogenous zones or hot spots vary (at least in responsiveness) AND there’s a need to show emotion too. Even if it’s just a casual hookup, she wants to feel deeply physically desired.

image via Astroglide.com

I also covered foreplay in a previous post or two. The advantages to it are that the more you take the time to get her turned on, the more intense and frequent her orgasms will be. It promotes physical intimacy, increased desire and lowered inhibitions. That last part means she’s less likely to turn down any kinky ideas you may have. No still means no however.

Even in Porn, Orgasms Are Sometimes Faked:

Yes, believe it or not, it’s true. This is an example of how Viagra has actually hurt the adult industry as well. Porn companies can hire pretty boys with no skill, give them the Viagra and throw them in front of a camera. Meg Ryan was MOSTLY right in “When Harry Met Sally” that it’s hard to tell if a woman is faking an orgasm… unless she’s so not into the act that she only goes through the motions of even faking the orgasm. I’m seeing it fairly often in porn nowadays. Here’s a few things to look for:

  1. Her nipples never get fully erect, and no goosebumps around them.
  2. Her “moaning” sounds mechanical
  3. Her body never tenses up when she orgasms
  4. She quickly separates herself from him after he finishes, sometimes barely hiding a look of disdain.

None of these are perfect indicators, except maybe the last one. The gal in the pic above, for example, doesn’t have fully erect nipples. She DOES have goosebumps all around them however. Generally speaking though, even a woman without responsive boobs will have her nipples fully erect as she gets close to and during a strong orgasm. Likewise a weak orgasm may not lead to muscles tensing up, but a good orgasm generally does.

My point here is that if even the porn star with the giant dick can’t make them cum half the time, porn probably isn’t the best learning material.

Porn Almost Always Minimizes Sexual Technique:

This one requires little explanation. Suffice it to say that there is MUCH more to sex than size or putting it in and pounding away. Size helps, especially when it comes to reaching “the Deep Spot”, just below the cervix. Too big hits the cervix and causes her pain however. IF you doubt me, watch and see how rare it is for a “giant” guy to get fully “balls deep” into the actress he’s partnered with for a scene. They’ll typically end up in positions that don’t allow full penetration.

LONG story short, even if you can get orgasms out of her with just pounding away, you’ll get more frequent and intense orgasms via skills like the Coital Alignment Technique and other Eastern tricks I’m aware of (and will share eventually).

Porn Vastly Distorts Domination and Submission:

What I’m talking about here is that porn always seems to eliminate consent and trust building aspect of a real Dom (or Domme) and Sub relationship. What always seems to end up being portrayed instead is rough sex with little or no consent. When tried out in the real world, this can lead to damaged trust or even domestic violence and sexual assault charges.

Rough sex isn’t really my thing, BUT as long as it’s consensual that’s all good and well. However, while domination MAY include rough sex, rough sex is NOT domination. I think this “meme” says it best:

THAT kind of relationship takes trust built on honest and open communication by both parties and a realization by the would be dominant that it’s their job to make the submissive feel safe and nurtured, not just use her as a fuck toy. When a woman submits as described above, it’s because she’s developed a deep trust that she will be safe, protected and is truly treasured.

That “fuck toy” mentality is what I’ve seen more and more of over the years however. I’ve counseled several women that wanted to explore their submissive side but were being pursued by predators who told them if they were submissive they had to obey immediately and without question. Those were abusers who can’t handle a real relationship, NOT dominants.

Likewise, grabbing a woman’s throat has become so en vogue that it’s in almost every video out there now. NEVER do that without talking about it ahead of time, even if it’s just holding without choking. You can scare the hell out of a woman that way. Autoerotic asphyxiation attempts are even scarier, and have occasionally resulted in death on top of failing at hitting that more intense orgasm. The woman that’s truly into being choked is fairly rare. In my opinion, if you don’t get permission first, you belong in jail.

Porn Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Women Also:

No, I’m not talking about body image. That’s a given anymore with porn actresses often having unnaturally large boobs, rears, eyelashes and even lips now. I see little need to beat that dead horse any further.

I’m talking about sexual performance. There are multiple angles here also. First there’s expecting the guy to go an hour like the porn star. Nevermind the porn star is on Viagra, and doing that starlet in front of the camera has probably become mundane as a gynecologist’s job is to him or her.

For her, there are possible expectations of wild flexibility, deep throating (which can leave her throat raw and sore), and having the leg strength to ride cowgirl for extended periods of time. What II find can be more frustrating for the guys however, is the belief that once she’s on her back or being taken from behind that she can just turn into a pillow princess (the new polite term for a dead lay).

Yes, Ladies, I’m picking on you a little here as well. If you want to keep your partner happy, it’s not enough to just lay there and (fake?) orgasm. Kissing, caressing, and communicating are also important. Probably the most important “trick” you can learn is to be able to keep a grip down there by doing your kegels or similar pelvic floor strengthening exercises. Done right, that move can put YOU in control even if you’re a submissive being bent over the edge of the bed by your dom.

Conclusion:

It’s quite simple. Never substitute porn for genuine technique and passion if not love or affection. Open and honest communication is vital as well to maintaining a healthy, happy relationship in and out of bed. In fact, LACK of communication is the other factor in bad sex, and I’ll be discussing that soon.

Conan Era Story Published

I got a handful of likes on Twitter from a snippet of a Conan era story I wrote about a year or so ago.  Because of that, I decided to publish it here.  It’s only 2/3 done at this point, so I’ll need to finish it if it gets attention.

Playing the video game Conan: Exiles inspired this story.  Fair warning before anybody reads it also; the Hyborian age of Conan was 15,000 BC in the stories.  Thinking about bloodshed, violence and such were very different in that day and age.  ONLY read this story if you’re over 18 and can read it with that in mind.  The story is meant to be darkly realistic and NOT an endorsement of such behavior.

Conan – Tyche Defends Derketo’s Temple

Beyond that, there a few paragraphs that will serve as a quick primer for the story before the actual story itself…  The same place I usually put my disclaimers.

My Thoughts on BDSM

Since my half dozen (thus far) non fan fiction erotica pieces all have at least a slight element of domination and submission to them (Amy’s Seduction being the only real exception), AND I’m picking up followers on Twitter into that lifestyle, I felt I’d take a couple of minutes to spell out my thoughts on the subject.

Plain and simple, my view is that as long as it’s safe, sane and above all mutually consensual, it’s all good.  All of that requires a great deal of communication and self awareness by both parties.

I have one huge gripe with elements of the community.  That being the “if you’re not doing it MY way, it’s not really domination!” crowd.  To be blunt, that’s not only utter crap, it also tells me the Dom or Domme uttering it has no idea what they’re talking about, quite likely little or no respect for submissives, and / or massive insecurity issues.  A real dominant is going to want to talk, make sure the other person is more than just titillated, and has compatible ideas about what BDSM is.  If their ideas later drift apart on the subject, they will set the submissive free instead of trying to force them past hard limits also.

I’m fairly passionate on the issue because I used to have a virtual part-time job counseling women who were responding to ads looking for submissives on a certain free site that no longer runs personals.  Horrified by some of the “dom” ads I saw I posted my own telling submissives that their submission was a gift given, it had to be earned, that a dom should listen to your wants and needs when establishing relationship boundaries, and that it was just as much about their orgasm as his.

It was amazing and scary how many “thank you” replies I got from women with strong curiosity but who were confused and scared after ‘talking’ to abusers who told them that if they were submissive at all, they’d immediately do anything and everything the “dom” said, no questions asked, right from the moment they met.  A few of them even told me they were made to feel like they were crazy until they read my post.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but a saint.  I’m proud to say I saved a few women from abusive relationships though.